Your family narrative

Your family has a story, a narrative. This story includes how and when the parents met, how the children came into the family (birth, adoption, foster, step…), positive times (vacations that went well, accomplishments, awards…), negative times (when someone lost a job, death of a pet, dealing with a disability, life challenges…), everyday life (favorite games, pizza night, birthdays…), core values (we worship weekly, nightly dinner together is important, we volunteer our time…), and much more.

Instead of reading or writing about other people, read, write, talk about your family. Some people write about their families to preserve family history. Some people write about their families as a way to sort out their feelings and beliefs about their past.

Another important reason to read, write, or talk about your family is to help your children. Learning about or writing about family can provide them with a background for the family’s values and it can help integrate their place in the family.

Ways to tell your family story:

• Pick a segment of your family’s history (when Grandma and Grandpa first got married, when your child joined the family, the winter we got snowed in…), pop some popcorn, and turn telling the story into a family get-together.
• Turn your child’s story into a multi-part story that you tell them over several nights as you tuck them in. Tell them about when you first saw her. Share about his early milestones. Describe what you liked about her when she was little. Talk about his accomplishments. Project into the future and share your hopes for her future.
• Create a slide presentation, gather the family around, and get everyone to share memories and stories.
• Have your child create a book of their life or the family as they know it. Have them write or type it up, and illustrate it. It can be shared with the immediate family or given to grandparents as a gift.

A family’s narrative is important to everyone. But it can be especially important for newly-adopted or foster children to hear, or when the family goes through changes, whether positive or negative. Become a family that narrates their own story as a way to celebrate, join together, and move through challenges.

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RESOURCE

You Can Write Your Family History

Emotions described in acrostic poems

Wrote poems about mad, sad, glad, scared, and ashamed

Tried this poem-writing activity with a 14-year-old boy who struggles to identify and articulate him emotions. The result was five poems written about mad, sad, glad, scared, and ashamed. Several things happened before writing the poems to help him become familiar with feelings and the bodily sensations that go along with emotions. We discussed emotions and the different ways they can impact your body: tense, tight, tears, tingly, hot, cold, etc. Then we read several children’s books about emotions. His last exercise before writing the poems was to draw stick people to depict mad, sad, glad, scared, and ashamed, with the most important aspect the facial expression.

The poetry exercise began with showing him an acrostic poem where each letter of a person’s name or a word become the first letter of a line of poetry. For example, tree, might become a poem like this:

Tree

They are big or sometimes small
Reaching always for the sky
Every kind grows in the park
Each one has leaves, a trunk, and roots.

The boy wrote one acrostic poem using his name to describe himself, then another poem using the word “rain.” Next,  I asked him to write one poem for each of the main emotion words we had discussed and that he had drawn pictures of. The result was close to astonishing! This boy who, a short time ago, described everything as being either sad or happy, and when asked how emotions felt in his body said, “Can’t feel anything,” could now distinguish nuances of emotions! When I asked him what he thought about his poems, he said, “I feel very proud!” And, he should!

Here are two examples of what he wrote:

Glad

Gives you energy
Let’s you laugh
Always makes you smile
Does not make you feel lonely.

Scared

Sometimes can make you cry
Can make you nervous
And make you tense
Reminds you of scary thoughts about it
Even can make you shake
Does not make you feel relaxed.

The process of having to think about different ways to describe an emotion helps embed it in the child’s brain. The more opportunities we give a child to articulate and talk about his or her emotions, the less potential their is for acting out those emotions inappropriately.

From nothing to love

Nothing, by Mick Inkpen, tells the story of a sad, lonely, misshapen stuffed cat. He’s left behind in an attic when the family moves out. He can’t quite remember who he is or what his name is. One of the movers shines a flashlight on him and says, “Oh, it’s nothing,” so he decides his name must be Nothing. He meets up with a mouse, a fox, and a frog, and eventually a tabby cat. Nothing cries to the cat, “I don’t know who I am!” The tabby cat befriends Nothing and takes him on an adventure. Eventually, the tabby cat takes Nothing home. Nothing finds out that he, in fact, belongs to this family. They clean him up, fix his injuries, and envelop him in love. He has a family! He’s home! He’s loved!

The story is excellent and the illustrations are exquisite. It looks very much like a young children’s book, but the message is appropriate for all ages. Recently, I gave this to a 14-year-old boy who was intrigued by the book.

Discussion or writing topics:

• How did Nothing feel in the beginning of the book? Have you ever felt like that?
• How did Nothing feel at the end of the book? What helped him feel differently?
• What are five feelings that Nothing might have had at the beginning of the book?
• What are five feelings that Nothing might have had at the end of the book?

Book info:
Nothing by Mick Inkpen. Written for young children, ages 4-8, but applicable for older children, teens, and adults. Helpful for individuals dealing with issues relating to adoption, life changes, feeling alone, worthlessness, and grief and loss.

Building a sense of self through writing

If your child is struggling due to stress, grief, behavioral issues, or big life questions, they may not be sure who they are. Sometimes it’s more than low self esteem, but a lack of self… an inability to figure out what they like, what they’re good at, or even what their favorite food is.

Help your child along. Give her or him a few questions to answer or writing prompts or drawing assignments about themselves. Don’t use these as opportunities to tell your child that their self-perceptions are incorrect or should change. Instead, thank them for sharing and suggest they tell you more, either through writing or talking. The goal is just to give them a deeper sense of who they are, a deeper sense of self, and ultimately, improved self-esteem.

Suggest one or more of the following to your child:

• Draw a picture of yourself.
• Draw a picture of you and your family.
• When it’s sunny, I like to __________.
• My favorite place to go for vacation is __________.
• I love to eat __________.
• My feet like to __________.
• I’d like to invent __________.
• If I could make a movie it would be called __________.
• I’d like to write a book about __________.
• Someday, I hope I can __________.
• Write about a time you were helpful and how it made you feel.
• Write about a time you were sad and why.
• Imagine you could go back in history. Who would you like to meet and what would you ask that person?

A child writing about himself or herself could be a one-time activity, or you could get them a journal and have them write one thing every day about themselves. Remember, the idea is not for you to try and change how they think about themselves or to dispute what they write, but rather to give them new opportunities to  think about who they are and who they would like to be, developing an improved sense of self.

RESOURCES:

Kid’s Health: Developing Your Child’s Self Esteem

Oh, The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss

Touching Spirit Bear

During a TV show about bullying, one boy said that his life had changed–he had stopped being a bully, when he was required to read Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen. I HAD to read it.

Cole is a mean, angry 15-year-old bully. He beats another student so badly the boy is hospitalized withe severe, life-long injuries. No matter who talks to Cole or what they say, he is belligerent and argumentative. Not a shred of shame or remorse for his actions.

He’s given an alternative to jail which is banishment for a year to a remote, deserted Alaskan island. This decision is made when Cole becomes part of Circle Justice, a  program based on Native American principles that encourages change and healing as part of justice. Cole pretends to agree with the plan but in reality, he takes no responsibility for his actions. Instead, he blames his behaviors on his parents and others, never himself.

When Cole is left on the island, he has a small cabin for shelter and a year’s worth of supplies, with plans for regular visits from his temporary guardians. Within hours, he burns down the cabin and all his supplies. Later, he is severely mauled by a mysterious white bear. He is taken to hospital to heal from his extensive injuries, but is then returned to the island.

Slowly, Cole makes small shifts in his thinking. His setting forces him to learn new skills. Eventually, he develops self-awareness, thoughtfulness, sympathy, and remorse.

This is a powerful book. A child or adolescent could read it to themselves or a parent could read it to them.

Writing topics:

• Why do you think I had you read this book?
• Write about three things you learned from this book.
• How is the main character, Cole, similar and different to you?
• How would you describe Cole’s attitude at the end of the book? Of all the things he had to do to survive on the island, which one do you think contributed the most to his change in attitude?

Book info:
Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen. Ages 11-16. Especially appropriate for children struggling with issues of anger, aggression, abuse, and bullying. Also touches on themes of parental abuse and trauma.

Handling the mad

Feeling mad is a common emotion for children struggling with challenges in their lives. They may be angry because they aren’t getting their way, or because they’ve lost a loved one, or because they don’t fit in with the other kids. Mad often covers up other emotions such as scared, hurt, or lonely. But because mad is so noticeable, it’s often a good emotion to start with when helping children learn to manage their emotions.

I’m Mad, written for young children, works for all ages. The story is about a little girl that wakes up mad because the weather is bad and she and her dad can’t go to the park, a long-planned event. Her dad helps her think of different ways to accept her anger and deal with her mad. The book is written in a format where the child can pick the order to read the options for handling her anger.

The options include doing something physical, squishing play dough, talking about feelings, singing the un-mad song, asking others about their feelings, and planning something fun. The illustrations are black and white providing an opportunity for a child to color them in.

The book, I’m Mad, can be read to very young children, or older children can read it to themselves. It also works for older kids who may have low-level reading skills.

BOOK INFO: I’m Mad, written by Elizabeth Crary, 1992. Appropriate for ages 4-12.

Poetry for sharing emotions

Poetry provides an optional method for sharing emotions. Children and teens struggling with issues of feeling different, or being bullied, or grief and loss, or life-changing challenges need to share their emotions in order to find relief and help in moving forward. Even for kids who have never written poetry, the intrigue and challenge may encourage them to share their feelings in a new way.

In Poetry Everywhere, the author says, “It is… the nature of poetry to shake things up and engage the imagination.” So, point your children or clients towards poetry and see if you can shake out a few of their emotions, giving voice to their inner thoughts and feelings.

A simple poem format is a lune. Lunes have three words for the first line, five for the second, and three for the third. That’s it! The format is simpler than a haiku which is based on syllables. Here are a couple of examples:

Our Dog
Misty is black
and old and crinkly stiff
We love her.

Mommy
I love you
Wonderful mommy, beautiful and kind
Missing you already

Alone
I sit alone
No one comes to me
Please see me

You can have a child write three lunes about the same topic. Or, you could have them weave together several lunes into one poem. Start off with a simple, unemotional topic like a season or a place. Then give them emotion words to work with–angry, alone, lost, determined, or depressed. See what they come up with. It might just be another way to find out what’s inside and to help them let those feelings out.

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Reference: Poetry Everywhere–Teaching Poetry Writing in School and in the Community, by Jack Collom and Sheryl Noethe, 2005.

Words in the Dust

A 13-year-old-girl in Afghanistan faces challenges

Her world is filled with heat and dust, and rules and chores, and sadness and fear. Her name, Zulaikha, means “a brilliant beauty” in Afghani, but the mean boys in her traditional village call her “Donkeyface.” Zulaikha was born with a cleft palate, problems with her mouth and nose that make it difficult to talk and eat, and gives her face an odd, disfigured look.

Zulaikha’s mother died at the hands of the Taliban for her love of books. The memories of her mother’s death linger, as does her mother’s love of Afghan history, culture, and literature. Throughout the book, Zulaikha is confronted with limitations based on her culture and her family, but she and her sister encourage each other, no matter how difficult life is.

A window of delight opens in Zulaikha’s life when a friend of her mother’s offers to teach her to read. And, her whole world changes when an American soldier notices her and arranges for her to have surgery to fix her cleft palate. Even though a new world filled with new possibilities arises, Zulaikha must still face difficulties and grief, surrounded by a family and a culture that struggles with change.

Words in the Dust provides a glimpse into a part of the world that many Americans are unfamiliar with. Written by a soldier who was stationed in Afghanistan, the book reflects his admiration and knowledge of the culture. At the same time, he creates a novel filled with emotion, choice, and change.

WRITING ASSIGNMENTS

Describe the two events in Zulaikha’s life that have caused her to feel grief and pain.

Write down three times in the book when Zulaikha feels large, overhwhelming emotions. What does she do to feel and express those emotions? What would you recommend to Zulaikha as another possible way to express her emotions?

DISCUSSION TOPIC

Can you think of a time in your life when both good, positive things were happening, and at the same time, bad, negative things were happening?

ART PROJECT

Look at some Persian poetry like what Zulaikha was learning to read. Some examples are at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Find a page or part of a page that you like and try to re-create it.

BOOK INFO

Words in the Dust by Trent Reedy. Ages 10-15. Find this book in a local library or buy it here… Words in the Dust.

Narrative therapy heals

Writing about difficult subjects and traumatic incidents helps people in a multitude of ways, suggests professor James W. Pennebaker at the University of Texas.  One often-repeated test was to have individuals write about a trauma or difficult situation for 15 minutes, three or four days in a row.

In more than 200 expressive writing experiments, spread over two decades, according to Pennebaker, results include positive impact on various health complaints and immune function. College students, for example, improved their adjustment to college, reduced their visits to the health center, and in some cases, improved their grades.

This writing experiment was undertaken by college students, inmates, pain suffers, medical students, engineers out of work, first-time mothers, and others. It was done in the U.S., Belgium, Mexico, and New Zealand. The results—improved mental and physical health held true.

Narrative writing seems to help organize and give meaning to emotional trauma and experiences that may be difficult or complex. It seems that the process of writing, which integrates emotions and thoughts, provides a way to summarize and then move past the event.

The stories can be either autobiographical or third person, says Pennebaker. However, just telling a story about oneself does not provide benefits. It’s the process of contemplating and creating the story that provides benefits.  So, for someone to recount a story about their childhood, based on what they’ve been told or remember, appears to have little benefit. However, if the person writes their own version of the story, connecting events, thoughts, emotions, and people, the results are positive.

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References:

Pennebaker, J.W. & Seagal, J. (1999). Forming a story: The health benefits of narrative. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55, 1243-1254. Retrieved from http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/HomePage/Faculty/Pennebaker/Reprints/Seagal1999.pdf

Pennebaker, J.W. (2010). Expressive writing in a clinical setting. The Independent Practitioner, 30, 23-25. Retrieved from http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/faculty/pennebaker/reprints/Pennebaker_IP2010.pdf

How bibliotherapy changes the brain

The process of bibliotherapy, including reading, writing about what was read, discussing the book, and trying to live out those ideas, causes changes in the brain.

Teachers know that the more engaged students are, the more they learn. It’s the same with an individual child involved in bibliotherapy. According to Dr. James E. Zull, professor of biology and of biochemistry, learning that engages all parts of the brain causes more learning to occur. Dr. Zull describes the cognitive or cerebral cortex parts of the brain into: getting information, making meaning of the information, creating new ideas based on the information, and acting on the information.

In bibliotherapy, children are employing various aspects of their brain, thus learning by engaging all of their brain. In addition, bibliotherapy helps a child’s learning because it pushes the child to figure things out for themselves. Rather than explaining things, the use of stories, metaphors, analogies, and demonstration are what help students to learn (Zull, 2004).

So, change a child’s perception of themselves and their world by giving them bibliotherapy projects. Have them read a book, story or poem; write about what they read; discuss what they read; and put that information into practice in their daily life. You just might help a child to heal from their emotional wounds.

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Zull, James E., The Art of Changing the Brain, Educational Leadership, 2004. Retrieved from http://coe.winthrop.edu/marchelc/Brain%20Development/brain%20pages/aarticles/
the_art_of_changing_the_brain.pdf